Desire for Children: Why Baby Carriages Can Hurt So Much
When the desire for children remains unfulfilled, it is often one of the hardest situations in life. It is burdensome and almost unbearable. Fleeting encounters can bring tears to one's eyes. Every baby carriage can then deliver a painful jab during such a phase. These painful moments can hit unexpectedly, whether while walking in the park or shopping. You see happy parents with their little wonders and wonder: Why not me?
A Feeling Many Know
The former figure skater and actress Tanja Szewczenko is now a mother of three. Her daughter Jona was born in 2011, and in April 2021, identical twins Leo and Louis came into the world. At first glance, this could seem like a picture-perfect family – and it may well be now, but the path to get there was rocky and filled with pain. Tanja has experienced many setbacks on her journey, which she openly shares on her social media. She talks about the loneliness one feels in such moments and how important it is to discuss it.
Tanja Szewczenko Shares Her Experiences
Tanja shares everything openly with her fans on her Instagram account. She wants to encourage others to stand up for their wishes. For five years, the desire for a second pregnancy remained unfulfilled; she struggled with setbacks and miscarriages. In September, she wrote in a post: "How often have I dreamed in the past years of pushing a baby carriage through our village again!" These words are not only an expression of her longing but also a call to others not to be ashamed to show their feelings. She wanted to stroll with a baby carriage along the fields and show other pedestrians with a smile on her face that she was the happiest mother in the world. "Five summers passed during which I could only watch as other women lived my dream," she continues. "Sometimes I thought I only saw baby carriages and smiling mothers."
The Painful Encounters
Tanja Szewczenko says she often felt angry and envious of other mothers. These encounters hurt her tremendously. She often hid her tears behind sunglasses when she met another happy mother while walking her dog, Guido. These confrontations with her own unfulfilled desire were difficult and sometimes made her angry and envious – even though she wished happiness for each one of them. It is a constant struggle between one's own pain and the desire to be there for others.
Envy as a Human Emotion
She is not alone in this. The baby carriage is not the only trigger; even announcements from friends mix emotions of joy and envy. Some eventually feel they can no longer be happy for others. Envy is a socially undesirable emotion and is generally seen as something bad. No one wants to be labeled as envious, so people often try to suppress or mask the feeling. But it is important to understand that envy is a completely normal human reaction that stems from a deep desire for fulfillment and happiness.
Envy should be distinguished from jealousy. While envy usually concerns possession, success, and abilities, jealousy is more tied to emotional resources like love. Envy is a fundamental human need. According to the "social comparison theory" by American psychologist Leon Festinger, those who feel envy gain information about themselves. This realization can help accept envy as part of one's own process rather than condemning it.
The Path to Self-Acceptance
Nevertheless, envy is often the engine for crises and breaks. Tanja Szewczenko repeatedly asked herself during encounters with baby carriages: "Why her and not me? Why everyone and not me?" Dark clouds would settle over her mood, just like that, without her being able to control it. She writes that sometimes she felt ashamed for feeling this way. But actually, her body was just signaling: I am missing something. It is important to reflect on oneself in such moments and recognize that these feelings do not diminish one's worth.
Finding New Perspectives
When the desire for children remains unattainable, new perspectives must be found. While envy over a higher job position or a beautiful new car can often be addressed through personal discipline, this is frequently not the case with an unfulfilled desire for children. There are many couples who must eventually admit after years of treatment that their wish remains unfulfilled. Then comes the point where one must somehow endure the longing. Unfortunately, there is no ultimate advice for this. However, one thing is important: Envy towards others must not consume you.
It can help to change perspectives. Seeking new goals for the future and developing one's own understanding of love, partnership, and family. Many people find solace in creative projects, whether it’s painting, writing, or crafting, to express their emotions. Others need conversations with friends or therapists to sort their thoughts. One should never shy away from professional counseling. Above all, it is important that feelings and emotions are allowed to exist and be expressed. It is okay to be sad, to be angry, or even to be envious. These are all human reactions that can contribute to healing.
In summary, the journey through unfulfilled desire for children is a challenging one. It is important to allow oneself to feel these emotions while also seeking ways to empower oneself and develop new perspectives. Every step taken towards self-acceptance and understanding is a step in the right direction.